Decisions

My husband had lain in a deep coma for days, and even now many years later, that night is still so vivid. (I had written this around that time but it was too hard to do anything with it. So now years later I'm bravely bringing it out again this time to share. But it still brings tears but I feel this is something we all will have to go through, sooner or later with someone dear to us.) Over the years things had been so great for us as I shopped, cooked and enjoyed the grandchildren. A sight bulge had begun to accumulate around my middle, but that could be expected at this time in life, so it was okay. Painting the house, mowing and trimming in the yard, shoveling snow, changing the oil and filling gas on the cars was done without much notice. We had settled comfortable into middle age, secure in the knowledge that we could look forwrd to retirement in a few years, to relax and travel. But abruptly things changed when my husband got sick. Eight months later, in a hospice, after days of pain and suffering for him, anguished, I'd asked how this illness could go on for so long? I remember the nurse exclaiming, '"they worry about having to leave their loved ones behind, so they hang on! One evening as all the kids were still vigilant in the family room and I sat as his side, I just couldn't bear to see him suffering any more and I made a decision. Bravely, I slipped off my shoes and crawled up on his bed. "Sweetheart, I said gathering him to me, "'It's okay, you just rest now and go to God, the kids and I will be fine." Then within minutes, as I held him close in my arms, he drew his last breath. Over the years, then I thought I had learned to cope gracefully with the twists of fate, In fact, I became quite proud of myself for the independence I had perfected and honed; I had learned to live alone and had survived the sadness, the lonliness,and the demons of the night. I had faced the inevietable quiet day and night without end. I had prowled the house, lost sleep, drove miles aimlessly trying to find a niche to fit into. It was hard work, both emotionally and physicaly, but the solitude forced me to discover who I was, and after strugglling with the issues of self-worth, guilt, selfpreservation and acceptance. I thought I had found I could stand alone, make my own mistakes and forgive myself. Then I made another earth shattering decision, and that was to sell my home. And thinking I'd have months to ease into the transition, I was flabbergasted when it sold the second day it was on the market. Well, suddenly heartsick at what I'd done, a week went by and I'd lain on my couch with a pillow and blanket watching soaps. I said to my friends, "I'm sick with some kind of a bug." My eyes grew swollen, my throat sore and my voice grew hoarse as I cried. I yearned for someone to help me, to say, "yes, this is okay, you made the right decision!" I remembered as a couple how good it was as we faced decisions together, bounced ideas back and forth and the doubts were lessoned with each other's assurances. But now, I was truly on my own. I shed tears again in my lonliness. And each morning waking from a troubled sleep, my decision would hit me again like a fist in my stomach. I'd weathered storms in my home as well, learnign how to be this new person. And it had protected me from the outside elements as well as providing a refuge as I learned how to be comfortable with my oneness. I had decorated my bedroom in lace and frills and learned to sleep in the middle of the bed. But now a stranger would slumber in my room and hang their clothes in my closets, walk on my grass and pick my weeds out of my flower beds. In desperation, I called my attorney and asked him to please get me out of the mess I'd gotten myself into. "My dear," he said, "I'm afraid its too late!" Another sob tore at my throat. I couldn't do this, surely my heart would stop from the pain I had inflicted upon myself. But being single, I'd had some adventures and taken some risks. I'd lived alone up north in the woods by a lake, where I bought and sold antiques and junk. I'd traveled to an island each year and spent weeks by myself by the ocean, and here I was, still living and breathing! But surely, this time I had made a terribly rash decision. A horrible mistake! Well, I guess my loving God figured I needed the time to heal. Then figuring he'd been patient and listened long enough to my whining, he gave me a sudden boost of energy. I got up off the couch and put my pillow and blanket away, and put a smile on my face. At first it felt false, but slowly I began to feel my spirit mend. I remembered the lifestyle I had dreamed of! Well, I got rid of the snow shovel, the rakes and the lawnmower, and I waved goodbye to crab-grass and began to feel a tricke of excitement again. The gradually I began to feel proud of myself that I'd had the courage, and then the strength to weather through another angished decision and to welcome another change in my life. At times it still hurts to not have that built-in support system anymore, but sometimes the choice is not ours to make. I expect there will be many more decisions to make in my life, and I can only hope I will have the courage and the strength again to make a wise one. circa 1995

Today, Tomorrow and Then (page 4)

Sea shells and sun lotion stood on the bedside table. Bewildered, Corey sat alone in her room. **** In the main office of the resort the manager talked to the reservationist. "Sue, how long will Miss Andrews in 206 be staying?" "I'm not sure about her. Miss Eagen, but I think something is wrong!" "Why?" "Its so wierd, we've all gotten to know her since she's been here these two months, but sometimes she acts like we're strangers." "Well I've seen her come and go and she seems fine to me." "I know Miss Eagen, at times. But yesterday, she invited some of us to meet her at the bullfight. But she didn't show up. When I went to her room later to check on her, she didn't remember me." "I'd better go and see her." And after her visit, Miss Eagen checked the records and found Corey's home address and phone number and made a long distance call. **** Corey Andrews was sitting in the resort's restaurant having a leasurely lunch when she heard familiar voices. Looking up she saw her family; Her three son's and her daughter coming in the door. "What a pleasant surprise, but what are you all doing here?" She asked momentarily startled. "Mom, you've been gone so long," Val said and Jeff the youngest, picked a French fry off her plate. The kids bravely covered their worried faces, and another said, "we missed you Mom, so we've come to take you home. For Corey and her kids now, they had today, hopefully tomorrow and then-- -Lyn LaCoursiere

Today, Tomorrow and Then (page 3)

A womans's voice said, "Good morning Miss Andrews, this is you daily nine-0'clock wake-up call." "Thank you, how is the weather?" Cory asked. "Its a lovely day. A balmy eighty five degrees." "Thanks again." She said to the desk clerk. "We hope you're enjoying your stay with us, Miss Andrews." "I'm loving every day, and thank you." Cory Andrews sat up and stretched, then flung the covers off and excitedly jumped out of bed. She showered and dressed in another of her new outfits. Her days flew by, the cool breezes and sunny skies her companions. One evening after several weeks, Cory just didn't feel right. So she decided to have dinner in her room and finish reading the novel she'd bought earlier. She wondered where the time had gone as she sat relaxing, the book lying in her lap. She had really wanted to go sailing on the ocean and also see a bullfight. The phone rang suddenly then and jumping up out of her chair, thinking it must be room service calling about her order, a man's voice exclaimed, "Cory, this is Nick Barry. I'm in the cocktail lounge. How soon will you be here?" "Who?" Cory asked. "Nick, Nick Barry." Cory stood with the phone pressed to her ear, a confused look on her face. "You must have the wrong room," she said politely. "Cory," the man said, "We have a dinner date for tonight." "I'm so sorry,I don't know you," she said hesitatingly. "Well, I see I didn't make a lasting impression on you yesterday on the cruise." "What?" Who was this man and what was he talking about. A cruise? "Sorry," she said again and put the phone down. Shaking her head, she went back and sat with her book and began to read. Now the words made no sense, the story new. Puzzled she turned it over and looked at the cover. Where did I ever pick this up? The book was new to her, she'd never seen it before! She got up and began to pace around the room. And as she did, looking around everything looked new to her. Her pacing slowed and she began to tremble. She eyed the beautifully decorated place warily. Lush carpeting tickled her bare tanned toes. She walked over and touched the flimey drapes and ran her hand over the papered walls. Was this her home? Shopping bags, neatly folded lay on the tables. Used tickets from bullfights and ocean excursions lay on the coffee table.

Today, Tomorrow and Then (page 2)

"How long will you be gone?" Her son had asked as he carried her luggage out to the waiting taxi. "A few weeks, but I don't know for sure honey. I want to be lazy and just ramble." "Okay mom, don't worry about the house, I'll keep it clean and pick up the mail. Man, it's great to be home again for the summer." "Honey," the woman said hugging him tightly and smoothing his ruffled hair,"don't worry about me either. I'll be having a great time! I love you sweetie." Then she stepped into the waiting taxi and blew a kiss to her son as the vehicle backed down the drivway. A wonderful free feeling tingled through her body as she put her dark glasses on, ran her hand over her new hair-do. Her suitcases bulged with new outfits and accessories. The sun was high in the sky and wisps of Ciera perfume filled the back of the taxi as it sped along on the freeway on its way to the airport. Cora Andrews was fifty three years old, divorced for ten years with two boys in college. Her mother Daisy, had lived with them for years and had been there for all of them, with home cooked meals and mouth watering baked goodies. Then she had gotten sick. It had started slowly with everyone thinking she'd slowed down and just become forgetful. But it wasn't so, Daisy had Alziemers! The last few years had been hard for Cora seeing her mother slowly fade into a stranger and then finally die. Now with everyone gone her house had become terribly silent, so quiet at times she'd find herself walking softly and talking to herself in whispers. Daisy had left her daughter Cora a sizable inheritance and she had an idea. And one day she promptly marched out of the stuffy accountants office she had been in for too many years. She bought herself a bottle of champagne and celebrated a decision. First of all, she christened herself Corey instead of Cora. She'd always felt her name was too old fashioned. Then she called for an appointment for a make-over, for a new hair-do and make-up. And to her delight, her brown hair was cut to curl under at her shoulders, glistening now with a rich auburn tint. Now her new make-up brought life to her glowing unlined skin that was so like her mothers. She replaced her glasses with contacts and her blue eyes suddenly appeared larger and brighter then ever. Then armed with catalogs, she studied the new styles. Soon Corey Andrews emerged a new woman. Then she carefully began to make her plans. She was going to travel. She was going to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina just off the Atlantic coast. ********* Corey awoke to the ringng phone and pushing her hair out of her eyes, she reached for the reciever.

Today, Tomorrow and Then

We all know who we are. Our name, our environment and our inner self. It enfolds in early childhood and evolves gradually as we grow taller, stronger, and is nurtured by our accumulations of feelings, knowledge and experiences. ******* Corey sat up and threw the light blanket off herself. Right away she knew something was wrong! The room was new to her, the furniture strange. As she stood up out of bed even the lines and bulges of her body looked unfamiliar. Fear prickled down her arms and legs as she looked around her surroundings. Her shaking breath rattled in her throat and her eyes widened as she stared at the reflection of herself in a dresser mirror. The face looking back at her was of a total stranger, and she put a shaking hand up and touched the the cold glass, but felt no connection to this elderly woman. Hugging her chilled body, she looked around for something to put over her short nightgown. My flannel robe, she thought suddenly remembering a faded plaid one she'd had for a lifetime. But as she opened the closet and slid the hangers back, all the clothes was new and strange to her. Unfamiliar. Finding a lacey wrap she held it around herself and tiptoed fearfully around the room. Suitcases were stacked neatly in the corner of the bedroom. She had a thought, maybe this wasn't her room! Timidly opening the drawers in the dresser she saw underwear was neatly folded, accessories and jewelry orderly. Hesitating, and then walking bravely into the bathroom, she found make-up cluttered the counter. All the bottles and jars were foreign to her and picking up a parfume bottle, she cried out helplessly as it slipped out of her shaking hand and splashed down her legs and crashed on the tile floor. Sobbing, she picked her way through the shattered glass on the floor and ran over to the large windows in the bedroom, here her tearfilled eyes widened in bewilderment. Outside was lush and green, an emerald paradise. Two chaise lounges, gaily covered in a floral print stood invitingly on a carpeted deck. A book, a beach robe and a empty glass stood on a small table. The grass sloped down to the waters edge. Corey looked out at the wide exspance of brilllant blue spreading in three directions as far as she could see. Was it a lake, an ocean? She didn't know! She had no idea where she was. Nunb with unbridled fear she stumbled back to her bed where the blankets muffled her hysterical tears as she huddled. Where am I? she whimpered. Then I don't know who I am! Lost and alone, she cried forlornly. Then thankfully fell in to an exhausted sleep.

A Christmas Past

Merry Christmas (circa around 1996) As usual, I'm a little behind. This year, I had plans to get Christmas cards off to everyone, well in advance of the holiday season, and again I'm sitting here wondering where in the world the month went. It's the twenty third of December today! I've still presents to buy, groceries to buy and the house to clean. Oh dear, now I'm getting nervous! But, it's snowing again so I may as well have another cup of coffee and write a note before I start. I love all the mail I get at Christmas. I've thought so many times, how blessed I am to have such a large and caring family. A wonderful Mom, sisters and brothers, and their families. Aunts, Uncles and cousins. The cards and letters I receive from my nieces are greatly appreciated. I am so honored that they take the time to keep me informed about their families. 1996 flew by. This is my fourth year of school. I'm still trying to get the "hang" of creative writing. It's quite a challenge, since all I've written over the last forty some years has been grocery list, checks and an occasional greeting card. Between times, I design silk weddings, (bouquets and things). Right now I'm decorating an Italian restaurant in St. Paul with trees, planters, wreaths, hanging grape vines and etc. The kids are all fine and busy. Del, Meg and girls were on their way home for Thanksgiving but had to turn back because of bad weather. Val and Dan are fine, and were blessed with a grandson in May of this year. Danielle and Colton Vance lived with "grandma and grandpa Thayer" for a few months, but now she has a house of her own and is running a "day care." Bill and Sheri are doing well in Atlanta. He just got his Master's degree in business after many long week-ends of studying and cramming for tests. Jeff is busy giving guitar lesson's in his basement studio, writing songs and playing in several bands around the city. I know everyone's heart goes out to Joyce, Larry and Jamie. Their first Christmas without Jessica. Dear Jess. Her big smile, curiosity and exuberance will remain in my thoughts forever. We've had snow every day for over a week now and it's just the first day of winter! I've decided, on the fifteenth of February to put my shovel in mothballs, turn down the heat and go on a adventure. I'm a "great-grandma" now too, so I'm allowed. I've rented a villa of the coast of S. Carolina, (and island called Hilton Head) for six weeks. I'll spend Easter with Billy in Atlanta and be back the first of April. I plan to buy a laptop and sit under a "palm tree" and write. I wish everyone luck, courage and strength in the coming year. Love and hugs Marilyn

Dancing in the Dark

                                                           Dancing in the Dark
                                                                                                                                                  
     The air cooled her face and wisped her hair out of the knot on her head.  Her body moved gracefully to the strains of the music, totally absorbed in the freedom of the movements and the lightness of her body.  She was young, full of dreams, energetic and her life as a ballerina was just beginning.  The lovely smile softened the lines on her face now, as she lay. There seemed a heaviness on her right leg and she slowed her movements and stopped.  Then abruptly, she opened her eyes and felt the pain, and the horrible memory became a reality again of the accident and her crushed leg. Her life as a dancer was over. Her days as a teacher in her school were gone.  It was the end of the world.  A hysterical cry tore at her, as her eyes once again swept over the white hospital room.  Just then a nurse came into her room.
    "Miss Jones, it's time for another shot."  And again the soothing medication began to numb the pain.  She closed her swollen eyelids, thankfully shutting out her fear for another few hours.
                                                                  *************
    Stephanie Jones dropped her school books on the kitchen table with a plop.  Her small six-year old body had trembled with excitement though-out the long day as she anxiously waited for this moment.    
    "Mom, mom, can I get dressed now?" she asked breathlessly.   
    "Yes dear, your outfit is on your bed in your room.  Hurry now, we don't want to be late on your first day."   
    Smiling, the little girl thought, ‘oh mom, I wouldn’t be late. This is the happiest day of my life!’ She hurriedly dropped her dress on the floor, pulled off her socks and shoes.  Her hands caressed her new things as she slipped into the pink leotard.  Her breath escaped in little gasps of delight as she touched the net "tutu".  It reminded of her of a birthday cake, she'd had once.  Now she tugged it over her head and ran into her parent’s room and stood in front of a full length mirror.  But, she was horrified!   
    "Mom," she wailed helplessly.  Huge tears began as she looked at herself.  The beautiful outfit hung and sagged over her thin knees.  Her hair hung in unruly strands.  She didn't look at all like that girl in the picture that hung over her bed.  Heartbroken, she wailed, “I’ll never be a ballerina!”    
    "What's wrong, angel," her mother said rushing into the room.   
    "Mom, I look funny.”   Her heart-shaped face was tear-stained, her blue eyes sad.     
    "Now don't worry sweetie, I'll fix you."  And her mom brushed the wrinkles out of the tights and leotard, straightened the "tutu." Then arranged her hair into a pony-tail and slipped a pink rosette to hold it in place.    
     "Now Stephanie, go and take a look." And Stephanie glowed with happiness as she turned her head and watched her hair bob up and down in its secured tail.  She sat down on the floor then and put on her ballet shoes.  Her hands caressed the smooth warm leather, the suede soles.  Standing up now in front of the mirror, she smiled at last. The smile continued to light up her face as they drove to the dance studio even though her stomach jumped with butterflies as she saw the big place.  Then a beautiful lady came into the room and Stephanie took in every detail of her; her face, her outfit and her jewelry.  She fell in love.  This was what she would look like when she got big.   
    "Girls, my name are Maria," the woman said.  "I'll be your teacher.  Now will you line up please, and I'll assign you to your places.  This space will be yours as you all learn together."  
    The room was hushed as twenty little girls found their spots.  Little Stephanie Jones stood anxiously waiting for instructions as the sounds of "Music Box Dancer" began to fill the room.      
    "Now we'll start with the five positions," her teacher said.  A happy smile glowed on Stephanie’s face as she began.  She knew this was just the beginning.  Her first recital was nerve-wracking and she loved the attention and the applause.  From then on, Monday’s became her special day.  She'd rush home from school, excitedly put on her dancing outfit and patiently wait for her ride.  When she was ten-years old, her teacher told the class they would be getting toe shoes.  Stephanie viewed this with trepidation.  How would she ever learn to dance on her toes!    And she tried, to no avail.      
    "But Mom, I have to be ready,” she protested.  Her feet had toughened up from blisters and calluses over the years, but now it didn't compare with the pain she had to endure.  Her toes bled, her toe-nails turned black but she still danced, her smile wide.  She became the darling of studio and danced in the front line.  After graduation from high school, she stayed on to become a full time teacher and began to save money to go to New York to study at the famous Julliard School of Dance.  Stephanie was nineteen years old.  A beautiful girl.  Her brunette hair reached her waist and her blue eyes were framed with dark lashes.  She'd led a normal life with girl-friends and an occasional date over the years, but her dance always took first priority.  The years flew by and she soon had her own studio, and it was called “Stephanie’s Dance.”
     Then she met Jesse Albright and her life changed.   
    "Who is that?" Stephanie asked her best friend Lisa.  They had been having lunch in a downtown Chinese restaurant.  An excited flush spread over her fair completion.  She smoothed her black dress, then her long pony-tail perched high on her head and then took another quick peek at him from under her lashes.  The room was crowded with business people and shoppers.  The wait people busy with trays of the luscious oriental food and the air was charged.   
    "Lisa, who is that guy?" Stephanie repeated.  Her eyes were drawn to the handsome well-dressed man at the next table that Lisa had waved to as they had been seated.    
    "Hmm-, his name is Jessie something.  I've just seen him around town."  Lisa remarked.
    "Wow, what a dream," Stephanie murmured as she sipped her green tea.  She felt an electric charge between their tables and suddenly, he got up and started over.  Her stomach lurched.   
    "Hello, my name is Jessie Albright," he said extending his hand toward her.  His smile dimpled over perfect white teeth.
    “Stephanie Jones,” she managed to whisper.  And when they shook hands she thought she just might faint right there in the restaurant.
    “You’re a dancer aren’t you?”  He commented looking her over.
    “Yes, but how did you know?”  Stephanie asked curiously.
     “By your incredible smile and how you walk.”  He said
    “Do you want to join us,” Her friend ventured seeing the looks exchanged between them.
    “Love to,” He said and slid onto a stool at their high table. And that was the beginning of their love story that had bridged a decade.
    Now he took her hand and kissed her lightly.  Then whispered, “Stephie, just rest now and get well.  We’ll get through this and you’ll dance again, I promise.