Today, Tomorrow and Then

We all know who we are. Our name, our environment and our inner self. It enfolds in early childhood and evolves gradually as we grow taller, stronger, and is nurtured by our accumulations of feelings, knowledge and experiences. ******* Corey sat up and threw the light blanket off herself. Right away she knew something was wrong! The room was new to her, the furniture strange. As she stood up out of bed even the lines and bulges of her body looked unfamiliar. Fear prickled down her arms and legs as she looked around her surroundings. Her shaking breath rattled in her throat and her eyes widened as she stared at the reflection of herself in a dresser mirror. The face looking back at her was of a total stranger, and she put a shaking hand up and touched the the cold glass, but felt no connection to this elderly woman. Hugging her chilled body, she looked around for something to put over her short nightgown. My flannel robe, she thought suddenly remembering a faded plaid one she'd had for a lifetime. But as she opened the closet and slid the hangers back, all the clothes was new and strange to her. Unfamiliar. Finding a lacey wrap she held it around herself and tiptoed fearfully around the room. Suitcases were stacked neatly in the corner of the bedroom. She had a thought, maybe this wasn't her room! Timidly opening the drawers in the dresser she saw underwear was neatly folded, accessories and jewelry orderly. Hesitating, and then walking bravely into the bathroom, she found make-up cluttered the counter. All the bottles and jars were foreign to her and picking up a parfume bottle, she cried out helplessly as it slipped out of her shaking hand and splashed down her legs and crashed on the tile floor. Sobbing, she picked her way through the shattered glass on the floor and ran over to the large windows in the bedroom, here her tearfilled eyes widened in bewilderment. Outside was lush and green, an emerald paradise. Two chaise lounges, gaily covered in a floral print stood invitingly on a carpeted deck. A book, a beach robe and a empty glass stood on a small table. The grass sloped down to the waters edge. Corey looked out at the wide exspance of brilllant blue spreading in three directions as far as she could see. Was it a lake, an ocean? She didn't know! She had no idea where she was. Nunb with unbridled fear she stumbled back to her bed where the blankets muffled her hysterical tears as she huddled. Where am I? she whimpered. Then I don't know who I am! Lost and alone, she cried forlornly. Then thankfully fell in to an exhausted sleep.

A Christmas Past

Merry Christmas (circa around 1996) As usual, I'm a little behind. This year, I had plans to get Christmas cards off to everyone, well in advance of the holiday season, and again I'm sitting here wondering where in the world the month went. It's the twenty third of December today! I've still presents to buy, groceries to buy and the house to clean. Oh dear, now I'm getting nervous! But, it's snowing again so I may as well have another cup of coffee and write a note before I start. I love all the mail I get at Christmas. I've thought so many times, how blessed I am to have such a large and caring family. A wonderful Mom, sisters and brothers, and their families. Aunts, Uncles and cousins. The cards and letters I receive from my nieces are greatly appreciated. I am so honored that they take the time to keep me informed about their families. 1996 flew by. This is my fourth year of school. I'm still trying to get the "hang" of creative writing. It's quite a challenge, since all I've written over the last forty some years has been grocery list, checks and an occasional greeting card. Between times, I design silk weddings, (bouquets and things). Right now I'm decorating an Italian restaurant in St. Paul with trees, planters, wreaths, hanging grape vines and etc. The kids are all fine and busy. Del, Meg and girls were on their way home for Thanksgiving but had to turn back because of bad weather. Val and Dan are fine, and were blessed with a grandson in May of this year. Danielle and Colton Vance lived with "grandma and grandpa Thayer" for a few months, but now she has a house of her own and is running a "day care." Bill and Sheri are doing well in Atlanta. He just got his Master's degree in business after many long week-ends of studying and cramming for tests. Jeff is busy giving guitar lesson's in his basement studio, writing songs and playing in several bands around the city. I know everyone's heart goes out to Joyce, Larry and Jamie. Their first Christmas without Jessica. Dear Jess. Her big smile, curiosity and exuberance will remain in my thoughts forever. We've had snow every day for over a week now and it's just the first day of winter! I've decided, on the fifteenth of February to put my shovel in mothballs, turn down the heat and go on a adventure. I'm a "great-grandma" now too, so I'm allowed. I've rented a villa of the coast of S. Carolina, (and island called Hilton Head) for six weeks. I'll spend Easter with Billy in Atlanta and be back the first of April. I plan to buy a laptop and sit under a "palm tree" and write. I wish everyone luck, courage and strength in the coming year. Love and hugs Marilyn

Dancing in the Dark

                                                           Dancing in the Dark
                                                                                                                                                  
     The air cooled her face and wisped her hair out of the knot on her head.  Her body moved gracefully to the strains of the music, totally absorbed in the freedom of the movements and the lightness of her body.  She was young, full of dreams, energetic and her life as a ballerina was just beginning.  The lovely smile softened the lines on her face now, as she lay. There seemed a heaviness on her right leg and she slowed her movements and stopped.  Then abruptly, she opened her eyes and felt the pain, and the horrible memory became a reality again of the accident and her crushed leg. Her life as a dancer was over. Her days as a teacher in her school were gone.  It was the end of the world.  A hysterical cry tore at her, as her eyes once again swept over the white hospital room.  Just then a nurse came into her room.
    "Miss Jones, it's time for another shot."  And again the soothing medication began to numb the pain.  She closed her swollen eyelids, thankfully shutting out her fear for another few hours.
                                                                  *************
    Stephanie Jones dropped her school books on the kitchen table with a plop.  Her small six-year old body had trembled with excitement though-out the long day as she anxiously waited for this moment.    
    "Mom, mom, can I get dressed now?" she asked breathlessly.   
    "Yes dear, your outfit is on your bed in your room.  Hurry now, we don't want to be late on your first day."   
    Smiling, the little girl thought, ‘oh mom, I wouldn’t be late. This is the happiest day of my life!’ She hurriedly dropped her dress on the floor, pulled off her socks and shoes.  Her hands caressed her new things as she slipped into the pink leotard.  Her breath escaped in little gasps of delight as she touched the net "tutu".  It reminded of her of a birthday cake, she'd had once.  Now she tugged it over her head and ran into her parent’s room and stood in front of a full length mirror.  But, she was horrified!   
    "Mom," she wailed helplessly.  Huge tears began as she looked at herself.  The beautiful outfit hung and sagged over her thin knees.  Her hair hung in unruly strands.  She didn't look at all like that girl in the picture that hung over her bed.  Heartbroken, she wailed, “I’ll never be a ballerina!”    
    "What's wrong, angel," her mother said rushing into the room.   
    "Mom, I look funny.”   Her heart-shaped face was tear-stained, her blue eyes sad.     
    "Now don't worry sweetie, I'll fix you."  And her mom brushed the wrinkles out of the tights and leotard, straightened the "tutu." Then arranged her hair into a pony-tail and slipped a pink rosette to hold it in place.    
     "Now Stephanie, go and take a look." And Stephanie glowed with happiness as she turned her head and watched her hair bob up and down in its secured tail.  She sat down on the floor then and put on her ballet shoes.  Her hands caressed the smooth warm leather, the suede soles.  Standing up now in front of the mirror, she smiled at last. The smile continued to light up her face as they drove to the dance studio even though her stomach jumped with butterflies as she saw the big place.  Then a beautiful lady came into the room and Stephanie took in every detail of her; her face, her outfit and her jewelry.  She fell in love.  This was what she would look like when she got big.   
    "Girls, my name are Maria," the woman said.  "I'll be your teacher.  Now will you line up please, and I'll assign you to your places.  This space will be yours as you all learn together."  
    The room was hushed as twenty little girls found their spots.  Little Stephanie Jones stood anxiously waiting for instructions as the sounds of "Music Box Dancer" began to fill the room.      
    "Now we'll start with the five positions," her teacher said.  A happy smile glowed on Stephanie’s face as she began.  She knew this was just the beginning.  Her first recital was nerve-wracking and she loved the attention and the applause.  From then on, Monday’s became her special day.  She'd rush home from school, excitedly put on her dancing outfit and patiently wait for her ride.  When she was ten-years old, her teacher told the class they would be getting toe shoes.  Stephanie viewed this with trepidation.  How would she ever learn to dance on her toes!    And she tried, to no avail.      
    "But Mom, I have to be ready,” she protested.  Her feet had toughened up from blisters and calluses over the years, but now it didn't compare with the pain she had to endure.  Her toes bled, her toe-nails turned black but she still danced, her smile wide.  She became the darling of studio and danced in the front line.  After graduation from high school, she stayed on to become a full time teacher and began to save money to go to New York to study at the famous Julliard School of Dance.  Stephanie was nineteen years old.  A beautiful girl.  Her brunette hair reached her waist and her blue eyes were framed with dark lashes.  She'd led a normal life with girl-friends and an occasional date over the years, but her dance always took first priority.  The years flew by and she soon had her own studio, and it was called “Stephanie’s Dance.”
     Then she met Jesse Albright and her life changed.   
    "Who is that?" Stephanie asked her best friend Lisa.  They had been having lunch in a downtown Chinese restaurant.  An excited flush spread over her fair completion.  She smoothed her black dress, then her long pony-tail perched high on her head and then took another quick peek at him from under her lashes.  The room was crowded with business people and shoppers.  The wait people busy with trays of the luscious oriental food and the air was charged.   
    "Lisa, who is that guy?" Stephanie repeated.  Her eyes were drawn to the handsome well-dressed man at the next table that Lisa had waved to as they had been seated.    
    "Hmm-, his name is Jessie something.  I've just seen him around town."  Lisa remarked.
    "Wow, what a dream," Stephanie murmured as she sipped her green tea.  She felt an electric charge between their tables and suddenly, he got up and started over.  Her stomach lurched.   
    "Hello, my name is Jessie Albright," he said extending his hand toward her.  His smile dimpled over perfect white teeth.
    “Stephanie Jones,” she managed to whisper.  And when they shook hands she thought she just might faint right there in the restaurant.
    “You’re a dancer aren’t you?”  He commented looking her over.
    “Yes, but how did you know?”  Stephanie asked curiously.
     “By your incredible smile and how you walk.”  He said
    “Do you want to join us,” Her friend ventured seeing the looks exchanged between them.
    “Love to,” He said and slid onto a stool at their high table. And that was the beginning of their love story that had bridged a decade.
    Now he took her hand and kissed her lightly.  Then whispered, “Stephie, just rest now and get well.  We’ll get through this and you’ll dance again, I promise.

Home Again (8)

   Syd dropped her dusting cloth and looked at her precocious child.  And so it began and they became entertainers.
   They had been a hit and now several years later, with her own traveling dance band, Syd stood on stage looking confident and beautiful, but falling apart inside.
   It was foolish to come home to play for this dance, just in case he'd be here, she worried.  I got my answer years ago when he left me, pregnant and alone.  However, later in the evening, her eyes met the stare of her lost love.
   Merry D's song ended, and she ran off the stage after taking her bow as the dancers applauded and cheered, then it was time for intermission. The band members put their instruments down and left the stage and Syd stood alone.  In her white outfit, Western boots and hat, perfect fitting pants, a spangled shirt adorned her slim figure. Which matched her traveling bus parked right outside.
   The man in a gray suit and hat approached the stage, then stood silently searching her face. Finally in a angusished whisper he asked, "She's my daughter isn't she?"
   "Yes, Miles, she is." Sydney answered warily.
   "Syd," he exclaimed. "I never knew!"  "I never knew," he repeated sadly. "I left here years ago after an agrument with my folks.  This is the first I've been back here and now they're gone."
   Syd stood there, her heart in shambles.
   He went on, "I was going through some old papers of theirs and found your letters. I know they would have sent them to me, but I never wrote to them to let them know where I was."
   Her heart pounded out of control.  Should and could she believe him?
   "Is there a chance Syd?  I've waited hoping I could find you someday. Somehow."
   Maybe, she thought.
   "I bought my own farm in North Dakota.  It would be perfect for our daughter to grow up there," he continued hopefully.
   After the doubts and uncertainties subsided, Sydney Joyce smiled.  He hadn't known and hadn't meant to hurt her by disappearing.  She stepped off the stage and they embraced.
   Finally after all these years, her mission had been accomplished and Merry'D had found her very own daddy.
                                                                                                        -Lyn Miller Lacoursiere
                                                                                                         circa (1995)
Some of this was told to me by my mom, then too, some could have been my own fabrications after reading her forebiden "True Story" magizines.

Jahar's Cover of the Rolling Stone.Take a minute and listen. Done by my son Jeff Loven

Home Again (7)

   Aunt Rose didn't move and Syd could see it wasn't any use. She had apparently died in her sleep, but with a smile on her face and in her elegant nightgown. Syd painfully arranged the covers and lace sheet around her aunt and sat with her daughter clutched in her lap. She sat in shock for a long time and the little girl quietly hugged her mother. This lovely woman whom she had grown to love like her own mother, was gone.  A vast emptness crept into Syneys heart.
   After a while, she bundled Merry D against the cold winter and went next door to her neighbor, Mrs. Larsen. 
   "Sydney, your aunt had heart trouble! She didn't want to worry you dear," Mrs. Larsen said. When you have time, read her bible. Then the minister was called and arrangements were made. The days flew by with many tears shed, as everyone had loved Aunt Rose.
   Along with Syd's sadness, and underlying fear had began to plague her thoughts. Where would she go now? She was alone and had a child to care for. The huge city loomed dark and threatening without her dear aunt to protect them.
   After all the friends had gone home and the small house quieted down, Sydney put her daughter to bed and then sat alone. She sighed deeply as she drank a cup of tea.  After a few minutes she tiptoed into her aunts' bedroom, smoothed the bedspread and sat down on her soft bed. Her lilac scent still hung in the air. In her grief and lonliness, Syd reached for Rose's heavy bible lying on the table next to her bed and she reverently clasped it to her heart. Wiping a tear aside she opened it and began to page throught the delicate sheets recalling the favorite verses they had shared. As she was putting it down later, she found an envelope taped to the inside  cover with her name written on it. She opened it curiously, then sat thunderstruck as she read: To my neice, Sydney Joyce. In the event of my death, I lovingly give you and yours my home, my business and whatecver savings I have, to do with as you see favorable. Sydney sat astonished. A miracle had happened. There was a way for them now and with that she straightened her shoulders. She was twenty two years old with a business to run, a house to take care of and a child to raise.
   The time and the years seemed to fly for Syd and Merry D now. And after struggling through sadness and finally finding a routine, their life settled into a nice safe time again.
   Her seamtress business grew and they became financecially secure now. After the evening chores were done Syd and Merry D would press their ears to the radio to learn new music and songs.  Along with the waltzes, two-steps and polkas from Syd's childhood memories, they began to sing together, then entertain in clubs and halls. Syd's accordian music swelled with a beat and Merry D's plump fingers grew nimble with and practice as she played her red guitar. 
   Syd thought of her lost love sometimes.  Somday, I will bo back though, she was thinking as she cleaned house, I need to know.  Maybe, just maybe--

Home again (6)

   "But mama, I want a daddy!" her little voice pleaded. "Can't we find him and tell him to come home?"
   "We'll see, Merry D," her mother said glancing away from Aunt Rose's questioning look.
   "I'm not ready yet!" she told her Aunt later that evening as they sat together. "Maybe sometime--."
   "Why don't you write to him Syd. Tell him about Merry D. He has a right to know he has a daughter. Don't you ever wonder if he came back?"
   "Of course, I've thought of him," Syd said sadly, smoothing her waved hair that had sprung out into loose curls again.  "Ma said she had heard that he lives in the Dakotas somewhere."
   Syd missed her piano. Her fingers ached to play again, but now her dream was to buy a accordion. She had painstakenly saved up money over the years and one day she set out to shop.  She had studied the ads and knew what she wanted. And inside the music store she stood and looked around in awe. She finally decided on a shiny red and white one.  Inlaid with pearl and it was beautiful. It took her breath away as she held it and ran her fingers over the keys and heard the sweet sounds.
   "Now I want another instument for my daughter," she said smiling at the clerk, "and it needs to be red too."  Syd found what she had in mind and proudly paid for her purchases, then splurged on a taxi to get her purchases home.
   Her heart busrst with pride as she helped Merry D open her present.  And as she laid the shiny new guitar in her lap, Merry D shrieked, excitedly, "Oh mama, is this really for me?"
   "Yes, my darling," Syd announced proudly.  "And I'll teach you to play it and we'll have great fun together." And soon the little pink house was alive with music to go along with their songs.
                                                                            ***                                                                           
   "Mama, come and see Auntie." Merry D 's six year old voice came from Roses's room one morning as Syd was cooking breakfast.  The rich aroma of bacon, eggs and coffee wafted through the house.
  "Merry D, tell Auntie breakfast is ready and then come down sweetie."
   "But mama, Auntie won't wake up," Merry D's small voice came back plaintively.
   Syd had dished up their plates and poured a cup of coffee for herself.  She sat down to wait for them, leasurely enjoying the few momments.
   Aunt Rose is getting a little slower, she reminded herself patiently. and she has looked tired lately too. Suddenly alarmed she stood up.
   "Mama," the child's voice came again.  "Auntie is still asleep. She won't open her eyes and talk to me."  Merry D's voice floated down from the hallway again.  Then she said softly, " I think she's gone to heaven." 
   Syd dropped her cup on the table and flew upstairs to her Aunt's room.
   "Aunt Rose, Auntie.  Oh no!"
   Syd rubbed her hands and shook her gently, but Rose didn't move.