"How can you be that old, that's my age!" I said again at one of my children's birthday parties and it always causes laughter. Now and then though, I'd catch a glimpse of worry cross their faces. I would see it often too as they drove away after a visit, as they waved goodbye. They'd throw kisses and smile as they left, but probably all wondered, really how is she?
Well, you know as the parade of time flies by for me, no matter how old I get I can thank my God that I can still think young. Well why not, sometimes I even go so far as to think I'm still in my forties and fifties. And young and taut!
Years ago, a hundred it seems at times, things were so different and I was nesting happily. Bills were paid up with money in the bank. I shopped and cooked and tried new recipes and enjoyed my grandchildren. A bulge had started around my middle, but that was expected at this time and it was okay. Painting, planting, mowing, oiling and filling were just some of the numerous things that were miraculously done around my house and yard,without much notice.
Then abruptly, things changed and the love of my life died! Now my constant companion was lonliness and sadness. And forgive me Lord, I felt so much anger. Here I had been so happy at last, and life was easier, why did this have to happen?
I felt sorry for myself, after all, I was a good person; I didn't deserve this. How would I manage? Who would hold me now and always be there to protect me from the three am demons in the night?
Worst of all, I had to live by myself, alone with me and the inevitable quiet that continued day and night without end. This was something I had never been faced with.
Well, I prowled the house at all hours of the day and night, lost sleep, drove miles and wandered aimlessly trying to find a niche to fit into. I didn't have that safe cocoon I'd built around myself anymore, this was a different world!
Well, I survived but it wasn't easy. But I can acknowledge the changes I had gone through wth a smile, as the solitude in this house forced me to get to know the real me. As over time I stuggled with self-worth, self-preservation and then of course, survivor's guilt. It took time and I started to write about my sorrow, and, I filled many tablets those first years. Which to this day I still write, but now it's for entertainment.
Now, I cook if I please or buy take-out. I decide if I want to send Christmas cards or not. I can blare my music late in to the night or go to bed at six o'clock. And mportantly too, I have learned sleep in the middle of the bed!
So my number of years may be staggering kids, but my thoughts and feelings are alive and well, and again with a youthfull curiousity.
Circa 2005 Lyn Lacoursiere
Follow the adventures of Lindy Lewis from the day her house burns....
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Alone with Time
I sit here in my faded robe
My morning coffee at my side
The shades are up, the day has dawned
And all my thoughts are on a ride.
Now I wonder where my time has gone
So fast at times, I ponder
Can these days slow down for me, or
Will they put me under.
What will give me comfort now
I question as I sit here
Will the coldness in my heart
Awaken soon. I hope. I fear.
My buoyant heart is worn and old
My hair is full of wire
My thighs are slim, but hang all wrong
My only warmth is from a fire.
My loves have always been my life
My strength and courage, and my home
Now I wonder if there's time, and
Do I really want to roam.
The times I've loved have been and gone
The lessons sometimes hurt
My feelings have been ripped apart
High and low, then tossed and turned.
Will I be content to rest
Forever in this slump
Or will I trample out to buy
The things I'll need to pump.
Will the lotions and the oils
Revitalize and give me hope
Will I emerge so ravishing
Or will I fail and mope.
Will I really need the lace
The perfumes and the creams
The magic of the "Wonder Bra"
To fulfill all my dreams.
Will I emerge again anew
Or will I cry and whine
Will I stay inside my house
Or will I dance and dine.
Will I dare to venture
Or is it time to sleep
My books, my socks and washed out flannels
Forever in my keep.
I ponder in my faded robe
A new day, warm and bright
My thoughts have circled, now plans abound
The road is now in sight.
No I say, I just won't do it
I'm learning now to live
Alone with me, content with time
Myself, the gift to give.
-Lyn Miller Lacoursiere (Cira 1995)
My morning coffee at my side
The shades are up, the day has dawned
And all my thoughts are on a ride.
Now I wonder where my time has gone
So fast at times, I ponder
Can these days slow down for me, or
Will they put me under.
What will give me comfort now
I question as I sit here
Will the coldness in my heart
Awaken soon. I hope. I fear.
My buoyant heart is worn and old
My hair is full of wire
My thighs are slim, but hang all wrong
My only warmth is from a fire.
My loves have always been my life
My strength and courage, and my home
Now I wonder if there's time, and
Do I really want to roam.
The times I've loved have been and gone
The lessons sometimes hurt
My feelings have been ripped apart
High and low, then tossed and turned.
Will I be content to rest
Forever in this slump
Or will I trample out to buy
The things I'll need to pump.
Will the lotions and the oils
Revitalize and give me hope
Will I emerge so ravishing
Or will I fail and mope.
Will I really need the lace
The perfumes and the creams
The magic of the "Wonder Bra"
To fulfill all my dreams.
Will I emerge again anew
Or will I cry and whine
Will I stay inside my house
Or will I dance and dine.
Will I dare to venture
Or is it time to sleep
My books, my socks and washed out flannels
Forever in my keep.
I ponder in my faded robe
A new day, warm and bright
My thoughts have circled, now plans abound
The road is now in sight.
No I say, I just won't do it
I'm learning now to live
Alone with me, content with time
Myself, the gift to give.
-Lyn Miller Lacoursiere (Cira 1995)
Sunday, March 15, 2015
REVENGE (8)
Red, Laverne and Lola all agreed to meet later in the coffee shop in the hotel. It had been so good to just be themselves and share, like it used to be.
As the grownup former students entered the school for the class reunion, they recognized the same smell in the building, only more pungent now. The furniture polish, old boards and old sweat brought back a reminder of their younger days. The gym was set up with extra tables and chairs, with crepe paper streamers and plastic flowers centerpieces.
The kids were all there; only fatter, skinnier, older and some richer and some poorer. The snobs from the "prominent famillies" were still snobs and spent most of the night in their own circle as usual. All in all, Lola, Red and Laverne talked and danced the night away and the party for them was a sucess.
At the close of the evening, three shadows darted, one by one, each unaware of each other, and made their way to a white house next door to the school. Each one was carrying a small bag that had been hidden in their evening bags.
Lola was the first to get there and she found Jake Rierson wondering the house in his new jeans and flannel shirt, the set he only used for special occassions. When she burst in and he recognized her and saw the look on her face, he felt the first tinges of fear. After a few minutes Red and then Laverne came in. Now his fear was real and he knew something bad was going to happen to him.The girls stood there for a minute as the realization of their purpose registered, and instantly they knew that they were all there for the same purpose.
They met again later in the coffee shop and gossiped about the party and made plans to meet again soon. The next day they each left to go back to their busy lives.
Later, Lola gave up her profession and wrote a book on her life as a prositute. It was published and she became a famous novelist and later traveled the world.
Red decided to challenge her "phobias" finally. One of which was driving on the freeways. One day she got her courage up and thought, this it it! I'm going out there and just do it. And she was doing pretty good until she was going down a ramp to enter heavy traffic, and the old panic attack came back. Her soft humming of a "church song' was drowned out by her terror as she saw she was going to crash. She died instantly.
Laverne raised her four kids and worked hard for years. She stayed in her therapy group and got stronger. Later when she was alone, she went to school and learned how to be creative in her thinking and in her work. She opened a learning center for battered and unskilled women to come to and stay while they learned how to put their lives back together. She was to become famous for her work.
Years earlier, a small article had appeared in a small town paper. A man by the name of Jake Rierson
had burned up in a house fire. There were some strange evidences, but no clues were found. However, his body was burned beyond recognition, and the small remaining residue of rat poison in his stomach went unnoticed. And the acid burns on his head and body may have been from some batteries that had exploded from the heat. The only question remaining that puzzled the police was, why was there piano wire around his balls and tied in a bow?
As the grownup former students entered the school for the class reunion, they recognized the same smell in the building, only more pungent now. The furniture polish, old boards and old sweat brought back a reminder of their younger days. The gym was set up with extra tables and chairs, with crepe paper streamers and plastic flowers centerpieces.
The kids were all there; only fatter, skinnier, older and some richer and some poorer. The snobs from the "prominent famillies" were still snobs and spent most of the night in their own circle as usual. All in all, Lola, Red and Laverne talked and danced the night away and the party for them was a sucess.
At the close of the evening, three shadows darted, one by one, each unaware of each other, and made their way to a white house next door to the school. Each one was carrying a small bag that had been hidden in their evening bags.
Lola was the first to get there and she found Jake Rierson wondering the house in his new jeans and flannel shirt, the set he only used for special occassions. When she burst in and he recognized her and saw the look on her face, he felt the first tinges of fear. After a few minutes Red and then Laverne came in. Now his fear was real and he knew something bad was going to happen to him.The girls stood there for a minute as the realization of their purpose registered, and instantly they knew that they were all there for the same purpose.
They met again later in the coffee shop and gossiped about the party and made plans to meet again soon. The next day they each left to go back to their busy lives.
Later, Lola gave up her profession and wrote a book on her life as a prositute. It was published and she became a famous novelist and later traveled the world.
Red decided to challenge her "phobias" finally. One of which was driving on the freeways. One day she got her courage up and thought, this it it! I'm going out there and just do it. And she was doing pretty good until she was going down a ramp to enter heavy traffic, and the old panic attack came back. Her soft humming of a "church song' was drowned out by her terror as she saw she was going to crash. She died instantly.
Laverne raised her four kids and worked hard for years. She stayed in her therapy group and got stronger. Later when she was alone, she went to school and learned how to be creative in her thinking and in her work. She opened a learning center for battered and unskilled women to come to and stay while they learned how to put their lives back together. She was to become famous for her work.
Years earlier, a small article had appeared in a small town paper. A man by the name of Jake Rierson
had burned up in a house fire. There were some strange evidences, but no clues were found. However, his body was burned beyond recognition, and the small remaining residue of rat poison in his stomach went unnoticed. And the acid burns on his head and body may have been from some batteries that had exploded from the heat. The only question remaining that puzzled the police was, why was there piano wire around his balls and tied in a bow?
Monday, February 16, 2015
REVENGE (7)
A blanket lay on the floor covering the flowered carpet and Red was laying on it trying to concentrate on an Elvis tune she'd heard. She had a closed look on her face as the man in a plaid shirt and jeans with a shiny bald head was on top of her. The only sound in the room was his heavy breathing, and after a time he got up. A clock in the room boomed out five-thirty and Red saw it was time to go home and make dinner. As she was running out the door, Jake called out, "Red, if you say anything to anybody you won't be able to come over and use my piano anymore. He was in the kitchen now and holding a sharp knife as he was cutting into a loaf of bread.
Red was small and skinny, with red hair and blue eyes. She was the brain in her class and took part in all the school plays, sang in church and declared someday she was going to Hollywood and be a star. She came from a large family and they couldn't afford a piano, so Jake, everybodies friend, had told her she could use his. As it just stood there in his house.
Oh, how excited she was when she first went over and began to pick out the melodies to match the songs she had learned. This was a dream come true for a eight year old girl.
Red worked hard at home taking care of her younger brothers and sisters. And always helping with the cooking and cleaning. She had become a quite a baker and could stir up a golden yellow cake from scratch in minutes.
Laverne was happy today and she was walking home from school with ther friends, Red and Lola. Her nipples itched again and felt hot, but this was a good sign they all agreed because in a few years they would all be older and almost grown. Laverne was an orphan and an average student, and didn't have any plans yet for her future. Maybe get married and have four kids . She was tall and had long black hair even as a little girl, with big brown eyes. Maybe she was a little Mexican she thought. But there were no papers to tell her anything about herself but her last name was Cruz, and that souned like she might be. She said goodby to her friends and they all promised to go out and sell their candy bars for money for their school.
.Later that evening, Laverne could hear the small soap bubles brusting in the cleaning foam on the carpet with the big flowers, as they burst close to her ears making a snapping noise. She was pinned down and a wet rag was stuffed in her mouth. The smell was so strong she could almost taste the awful combination of cleaners in her mouth and throat, but it was nothing compared to what this man was doing to her. This man who had always been so nice to her. She lay there finally, bruised and hurt, her eyes filling with tears. However she was gaining her strength back and as he rolled off her, she reached over for the scrub pail and tossed the water with the chemicals at him. Jake sat there for a minute on his knees, dumbfonded, as the deadly water ran down his face and into his eyes. And this was just enough time for her to run, pulling on her clthes as she flung the door open to get away from the man and that house.
She wondered fearfully, is this what its all about?
.Now decades later, the three girls met in the hotel lobby in their home town. They hugged and cried, complimented each other and then went in to the lounge to have a cocktail and really catch up. Lola, classy and blonde, Laverne looking lovely in her new look and Red, still skinny with redder hair. They talked and laughed and soon it was time to get ready for the party at their school.
Red was small and skinny, with red hair and blue eyes. She was the brain in her class and took part in all the school plays, sang in church and declared someday she was going to Hollywood and be a star. She came from a large family and they couldn't afford a piano, so Jake, everybodies friend, had told her she could use his. As it just stood there in his house.
Oh, how excited she was when she first went over and began to pick out the melodies to match the songs she had learned. This was a dream come true for a eight year old girl.
Red worked hard at home taking care of her younger brothers and sisters. And always helping with the cooking and cleaning. She had become a quite a baker and could stir up a golden yellow cake from scratch in minutes.
Laverne was happy today and she was walking home from school with ther friends, Red and Lola. Her nipples itched again and felt hot, but this was a good sign they all agreed because in a few years they would all be older and almost grown. Laverne was an orphan and an average student, and didn't have any plans yet for her future. Maybe get married and have four kids . She was tall and had long black hair even as a little girl, with big brown eyes. Maybe she was a little Mexican she thought. But there were no papers to tell her anything about herself but her last name was Cruz, and that souned like she might be. She said goodby to her friends and they all promised to go out and sell their candy bars for money for their school.
.Later that evening, Laverne could hear the small soap bubles brusting in the cleaning foam on the carpet with the big flowers, as they burst close to her ears making a snapping noise. She was pinned down and a wet rag was stuffed in her mouth. The smell was so strong she could almost taste the awful combination of cleaners in her mouth and throat, but it was nothing compared to what this man was doing to her. This man who had always been so nice to her. She lay there finally, bruised and hurt, her eyes filling with tears. However she was gaining her strength back and as he rolled off her, she reached over for the scrub pail and tossed the water with the chemicals at him. Jake sat there for a minute on his knees, dumbfonded, as the deadly water ran down his face and into his eyes. And this was just enough time for her to run, pulling on her clthes as she flung the door open to get away from the man and that house.
She wondered fearfully, is this what its all about?
.Now decades later, the three girls met in the hotel lobby in their home town. They hugged and cried, complimented each other and then went in to the lounge to have a cocktail and really catch up. Lola, classy and blonde, Laverne looking lovely in her new look and Red, still skinny with redder hair. They talked and laughed and soon it was time to get ready for the party at their school.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
REVENGE (5)
Jacob Rierson was an only child born to foreign parents. He grew up alone and never knew love. His mother was squat in stature, big busted and wore heavy stockings and laced shoes. She had had no formal education and only knew how to cook and clean. His father was tall, straight laced, redfaced with no humor or emotions. The Rierson family lived on a small farm in the country where they barely managed to scratch out a livng for themselves.
Jake grew up without having any real toys, his only world was his play house in the woods and square of dirt where he made little farms and roads and used sticks for people and rocks and tin cans for houses. They didn't have any bathing facilities in the house so that was done outside under the clothes line with rugs pinned up for privacy. This was a weekly thing and his mother stood there and scrubed and scrubed him. He went to school in a one room space with all eight grades crammed in together. The kids were mean and poked fun at him because he was quiet and didn't know the games or even how to play. In his frustrated lonliness he bagan to pick at his hair and soon this pecular habit over time, resulted in gradually having no hair left on his head.
When his folks sold the farm they bought a house in town, which happened to be right next to a high school. There it was worse for him and he just exsisted in a world of having to go to classes, had no friends, no sports and poor grades.
Soon his body began to develope and the normal urges began. And when his mother found spots on his sheets, and herself being uneducated and could not explain what was happening to the boy. Her only action was to severely beat him using a whip on his hands and make him scrub and clean for her. So this was how he learned to clean. The belief was implanted in his brain that sexual urges were bad and sinful and that he had to use soap and water to cleanse himself of this awful fault.
Later when his folks died, Jake stayed on in the house next to the school where he had become a janitor. His excistence was going to work and cleaning there and coming home and cleaning some more.
Jake always read the bullitin board first when he came in to work each day. He felt a tingle of excitement when he saw a notice posted that said it was time for the kids to start selling cookies again. And also there was a big sheet announcing a twenty five year class reunion coming up soon. He read the list of names of the graduates and recognized three from that year. Lola Lewis, a pretty blonde, Randi Mills a skinny little redhead and Lavern Cruz, the tall one with the long black hair and brown eyes.
For a minute tears threatened, he wasn't invited of course but he would be there, out of sight. Now he had to make the old school sparkle, bring out the extra tables and chairs, hang crepe paper and be handy to run and fetch for the committee.
When Jake was done for the day cleaning the floors in school, he went home and put on clean clothes. As he had new jeans and a shirt for special occassions now. He looked pretty much the same only older, with sadder eyes, and his hair had fianlly began to grow back. But only in tufts scattered here and there around his head. He was proud now because he had hair, but he didn't realize he looked stranger than ever.
Jake grew up without having any real toys, his only world was his play house in the woods and square of dirt where he made little farms and roads and used sticks for people and rocks and tin cans for houses. They didn't have any bathing facilities in the house so that was done outside under the clothes line with rugs pinned up for privacy. This was a weekly thing and his mother stood there and scrubed and scrubed him. He went to school in a one room space with all eight grades crammed in together. The kids were mean and poked fun at him because he was quiet and didn't know the games or even how to play. In his frustrated lonliness he bagan to pick at his hair and soon this pecular habit over time, resulted in gradually having no hair left on his head.
When his folks sold the farm they bought a house in town, which happened to be right next to a high school. There it was worse for him and he just exsisted in a world of having to go to classes, had no friends, no sports and poor grades.
Soon his body began to develope and the normal urges began. And when his mother found spots on his sheets, and herself being uneducated and could not explain what was happening to the boy. Her only action was to severely beat him using a whip on his hands and make him scrub and clean for her. So this was how he learned to clean. The belief was implanted in his brain that sexual urges were bad and sinful and that he had to use soap and water to cleanse himself of this awful fault.
Later when his folks died, Jake stayed on in the house next to the school where he had become a janitor. His excistence was going to work and cleaning there and coming home and cleaning some more.
Jake always read the bullitin board first when he came in to work each day. He felt a tingle of excitement when he saw a notice posted that said it was time for the kids to start selling cookies again. And also there was a big sheet announcing a twenty five year class reunion coming up soon. He read the list of names of the graduates and recognized three from that year. Lola Lewis, a pretty blonde, Randi Mills a skinny little redhead and Lavern Cruz, the tall one with the long black hair and brown eyes.
For a minute tears threatened, he wasn't invited of course but he would be there, out of sight. Now he had to make the old school sparkle, bring out the extra tables and chairs, hang crepe paper and be handy to run and fetch for the committee.
When Jake was done for the day cleaning the floors in school, he went home and put on clean clothes. As he had new jeans and a shirt for special occassions now. He looked pretty much the same only older, with sadder eyes, and his hair had fianlly began to grow back. But only in tufts scattered here and there around his head. He was proud now because he had hair, but he didn't realize he looked stranger than ever.
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